"The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing —
to reach the Mountain, to find the place where all the beauty came from —
my country, the place where I ought to have been born. Do you think it all meant nothing,
all the longing? The longing for home? For indeed it now feels not like going, but like going back."

~C.S. Lewis

Sunday, February 19, 2012

The loneliness of the wild at heart

It is lonely for the wild at heart.

I speak to Jesus, and am reminded, over and over, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. And do not just guard a pale, stagnant heart, but a wild heart, a heart that rips away from the status quo and longs to do—and does right now do—something different—something impossible—something amazing—and not just one something—but a dozen—a hundred somethings. To act and live in abandoned wildness and change the world.

Change the world. People laugh at young people when they say that. I suppose we do seem naïve sometimes. But I cannot help it. I dream, and I dream of doing such impossible things that I rarely even tell my dreams to anyone else. The right people, I tell.

The right people. The right person? I have met a few—a few people, a few families, including my own—but so very few, so few, that sometimes you wonder if you missed something, somehow, a road sign everyone else saw, and now you’re on this road nearly alone. But with those former people, you can express what you have always kept quiet for fear of it seeming too silly, too naïve, too foolhardy, too much of a dreamer. You become captivated by the realization that you are not alone.

Not alone. C.S. Lewis says, we love to know that we are not alone. In this romance-saturated world, we speak so much about “true love,” but perhaps true love is not just for one person, but for many. Perhaps love is when a person sets out on a secret road, guided by a light no one else sees, in pursuit of an adventure no one else follows, realizing she is entirely alone and may travel that secret path forever by herself. This is living a life of love: loving life and those in it.

True love is when she finds another on the same road.

It makes me think about marriage—about finding another, a “true love,” in this sense, on the same road. Indeed, it would seem less lonely, the adventure. It is not that my identity is not in Christ, that I think loneliness of any sort is fulfilled apart from Him; it is not that kind of loneliness I speak of. No, it is the longing for what He has made true community, and, perhaps what He has made marriage to be: a joint mission.

Maybe, then, it’s not so odd that I am torn between living wild at heart on one hand, and coming close to wanting to reject it all if there is not another to do it with. Perhaps that is because to be truly live wild at heart, you cannot live alone. You cannot always be strong; you cannot always push on alone; sometimes you need another to accomplish tasks in this world that neither could have done alone.

Sam: I wonder if we'll ever be put into songs or tales.
Frodo: What?
Sam: I wonder if people will ever say, 'Let's hear about Frodo and the Ring.' And they'll say 'Yes, that's one of my favorite stories. Frodo was really courageous, wasn't he, Dad?' 'Yes, my boy, the most famousest of hobbits. And that's saying a lot.'
Frodo: You've left out one of the chief characters—Samwise the Brave. I want to hear more about Sam… Frodo wouldn't have got far without Sam.
Sam: Now Mr. Frodo, you shouldn't make fun; I was being serious.
Frodo: So was I.